Desire

I breathe easily
Silence all around
And then the pain
The joy
Warm
Flowing freely
tearing its way through my every cell

From a touch
Your smile
A mere thought of you

You are the heroin in my veins
burning pleasure
Painful and overwhelmingly beautiful

Over time it fades away
slips to the dark area
the in-between where all dreams lie

But a word, one simple “hello”
a laugh or touch
Brings the monster ripping,
clawing its way out of the dark recess of my soul
Tearing a path straight to my heart

Nothing hides, all of me
Exposed, open
Subject to your every whim
The prick of the needle lies in your smile
Your laughter lifts me higher
Over the top and crashing down into oblivion

My heart slows, breathing even
Fade to black
return to myself once again
To wait, to dream
To know this addiction,
the drug of you

Will always remain inside of me
waiting, endless
loving the pain
wanting the overwhelming simplicity
of simply being
with you


********************************************

It's dark and I can't even explain it. you are all of it..pain and pleasure beyond words to me. I want it, always, even in knowing what it may bring. Selfish indulgence.....it just is.

*********************************************


and i wake up once more with empty arms
and my thoughts consumed with you.
your arms, your eyes
your mouth and lips
your perfect hands

you fill my every heartbeat
with a sense of wonder and loss
i hold you in my arms
once again to tell you goodbye
but the hours,
those wondrous, stolen moments
within hello and now
exquisite~golden
take my breath away

hit the bottom, only one way to go from here...up

the air wrapped around me
like a child
a blanket, safe and warm
while the rain fell slowly to the ground
the leaves whispered a tale of love

your name is on the wind today
a soft caress on my skin
the memories drift on
and a tear falls gently to the ground
one solitary tear
all alone, floating down
I can relate
I've felt that way too


************************************


battered and bruised
my heart lies open
not knowing which way to go
the turmoils and struggles in this lifetime
are too much to overcome
I wish for a moment
a smile, a touch
to know that someone cares
but the cold and lonliness
echo the silence in my head
and there is nothing left


******************************************


way down deep
inside of me
there are things
you cannot see
things i don't
want you to know
kept locked inside
down below
underneath my smiling face
lies a cold
and empty place

examine the pieces

who tells a heart to lie

to look into the eyes of pain

everything you once spoke-false

then what is love, honor, trust

mistakes and pain

imperfections abound

they have been there all along

it took you until now to know

that you could not abide these in me?


**************************************


why is it so easy for you
to walk away without a care
to continue on
the road alone

how can we just not be
was everything a lie
a fleeting moment
of happiness and joy

all that remains
whispers and dreams
promises floating in the still of darkness

do i matter to anyone here
what can i do to make you care
not to stay
but to give a damn

everything i thought was true
and real
no warning, just gone

tell me it wasn't all a lie
even if it was
before i shatter and fade away

let go

i lost a small piece of my heart today

i smiled through the tears

as it fell to the ground

shattering, broken

i smiled through my tears

as i picked up the pieces

i put them in a box for you

the pieces of my heart

the pain is more than i expected

the loss bigger than i knew

but the joy

the beauty i have seen

is enough to fill the empty space

all the tomorrows i dreamed about

the yesterdays i know

were only that

just dreams and wishes

not meant to come to light

had i known it would be

the last time i could hold you

touch your face

hear your voice

get lost in your eyes

i would have held on

for just a moment longer

listening to the sounds of your heart

perhaps it's better that i didn't

if i had held you just a little longer

maybe i wouldn't be able to let you go

set you free

and watch as you discover

all you're meant to become

i don't know why i was put into your life

but i am glad you came into mine

for a brief, shining moment

you saw me

the real me

and allowed me to become

a bright flame, burning, feeling

being

i wish you happiness and joy

wherever life takes you

The Beginning of the End

you don’t understand
everything taken for granted
unsure, off balance once again
why is it that we always seem to be at this crossroads
one giving one taking
both pushing in opposite directions
never meeting in the middle
until that time when we begin to cave
and neither one is ready to fall
to give up completely and walk away
because to do so is admitting failure

in a sense, to not try again, to give in, give up
whether in one piece, or broken-shattered
so we stay, another day to rip each other apart
to shred that last remnant of dignity and honor
love and joy that may remain
why are they no longer enough?


********************


is it possible to know your own heart
when everything you thought you wanted
turns out to be nothing like you had planned

love and understanding
believe in me
stifling, unreal
overwhelmingly sad
to be wanted, loved
once was my salvation
now it is merely my prison

what seemed once the whole entirety of me
all I would ever need
now is merely a shadow of who I am
but who I never thought I could be

is this all there is
day to day
living happily not saying those words
the ones deep down inside
screaming to be set free
or at least understood

wanting to feel the depths of being
heart and soul
passion, joy, pleasure and overwhelming desire

does love always start out that way
brimming full, running over
only to fade to a golden haze
misty eyed, comfort, companionship
until the day you realize
living in denial at its fullest
smothered in the everyday monotony of life
lost forever, settled in the rut of contentment?

Be Still

it takes a single
moment in time
to bring a new
dawning of self
open and free
let go of all
the fear and doubt
embracing me

new light, laughter
tears of joy
heaviness of my heart
breaks and lifts,
soaring, I sing
I want to dance in the rain
to the soundtrack of your laughter
sing along with the whispers in your heart
you smile
I wish, want, need
to keep it there
forever, dancing on your lips

erase all the worry
behind your eyes
find the words and make you see
lie here with me
inside the night
untouched by the
rest of the world

silence your fear
take my hand
dance with me
tomorrow remains
but here, now
in this place
we stand together
lost in being
only us

Smile through the tears

And more often than not, as of late, it's a life of ups and downs. One day to the next, never knowing what's in store. What to do at times like these? It helps to find something to hold onto. The extraordinary in the everyday..and even on the worst of days, something to smile about...

-the sound of my children laughing

-sunshine and fluffy clouds on a beautiful day

-late night drives on a summer night; windows down and music up

-getting a text message out of the blue that makes me laugh out loud

-painted toenails

-snuggles on the couch

-milkshakes and ice pops

-feeling pretty in my clothes

-getting lost in a good novel

-song lyrics that speak to my soul

-sincere compliments from unexpected places

-the sound of a Harley, ripping up the highway

-stargazing

-the smell of fresh cut grass, cookies in the oven or racing fuel

-the way a great pair of jeans feels and looks

-singing along with the radio

-making plans with friends

-bedtime whispers of "I love you mom"


And above all else, hold onto the knowledge that this too, shall pass


Kahlil Gibran:
"... joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one sits alone with you . . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed"

Hope and faith in the darkest hours...

And when we find ourselves lost on the path of darkness, searching for the end, open your eyes and look, find. The light you shed is weak and small, but to me, its a beacon of hope. To all of those who have helped me see...

***************************************

when you look into my eyes
tell me what it is you see
a lifetime of hurt, mistakes and pain
the memories that scream and echo soundlessly
all the heartache and disappointment I've caused
the anger and rage all bottled inside?
why is it that you just smile and stare
can't you see all the sorrow and tears
but you keep looking past all the walls
as the barriers crash and fade away

your eyes can search out and find
the glimmer of hope that still burns
one small flame-a flickering light
that longs to burn bright and free
you release that part of me
the one I'd lost so long ago
just when i feel it slipping away
stumbling blind, cold, alone
you smile and open the door again
to guide me safe through another day

***************************************

don't hang that halo
over top of my head
don't put me in
that robe of white

my wings are broken
i cannot fly
the gold has faded
and crumbled to dust

what is it in me
that you see so clear
what do you know
about this heart of mine

my eyes, the same
my smile, my speech
what is it in me
you see so differently

don't put me up on that
pedestal so high
broken and scarred
mistakes and regrets

why do you not see them
as clearly as me?

~for Brian, who gave me the gift of acceptance, there are no words~

***************************************

the morning sun danced across your eyes
lost within a dream
for one perfect moment
my heart stopped beating
the world stood still
ceased to exist
for that minute slice
split second of heaven
your face relaxed in a deep sleep
filled with the delight found only in dreams
a world I long to share with you
give to you my dreams
for the chance to see
a brief glimpse of those darkest recesses of your mind
beauty which lies within the unseen
spoken through the lips of desire
honesty and truth
all i have to offer you
hiding inside my heart and mind
whispers only heard behind the walls
how will i go on
with no barriers left
can i survive exposed
open to this?

Something More

Recently I remembered a day with my daughter last year. We were standing in the middle of Lowes, waiting for a piece of plywood to be cut. I was helping my husband do a construction job that day, so I had on old clothes, messy hair, no makeup and I hadn't showered that morning.

I was holding her in my arms when all of a sudden she did the oddest thing. She stuck her nose deep in my neck, that little crevice between muscle and collarbone, and inhaled loudly. Then she did it again, right under my jaw.

I looked at her and asked "What are you doing" laughing out loud.

She looked up at me, straight in the eyes and said "You smell good Mommy."

I asked her, "How do I smell?" puzzled now, because I had no perfume, nor had I showered remember...

She replied with a shrug, all the while, still sniffing at my neck, "I don't know, you just smell good. Like 'YOU'. You have a smell and Daddy does too."

Awestruck I stood there, staring at her. This beautiful, innocent 6 year old child had brought my sense of reality to a screeching halt.

I've always believed in intuition, a higher calling, heightened senses and more, having experienced too many things in my life to deny them. But never, have I ever known a child to have such knowledge.

We all have a "scent" pheromones, hormones, etc. Unique to us all, babies learn this scent from birth, especially nursing infants, they can tell when their mother enters a room even without seeing her.

However, my daughter, 6 years LATER still recognized and "knew" this scent...
This is just one of several instances over the span of her lifetime that has made me take a step back and marvel at the unique wonder, awe-inspiring beauty that is a child.

Beauty

as i sit watching, wondering, waiting
until the day i see you again
and think about what could have been
what might have come to light

the path we walk is twisted
broken as i stumble
reaching, searching
waiting

holding on
to something true
not knowing yet if it is you

******************************************
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just said it would be worth it."

why does this seem so true lately?

you can go forever and not see someone

then when you least expect it

they walk back into your life for some unknown purpose

and i'm still left wondering why

i believe that everything happens for a reason

and that the reason is not always clear

there is beauty and laughter and joy again

but in the beauty, there is darkness,

in the laughter there are tears,

and in the joy there is heartache

to know what we had, what we lost

brings regret and pain

to know what we are slowly finding again

fills my heart and makes me whole

to know that you have changed

as i have changed as well

but together, we haven't changed all that much after all

i've missed you, my friend

you've always been in my heart,

and now once again you are in my life

i will be forever grateful for that

******************************************

as i sit here
watch you sleep
my mind goes back
so long ago
a moonlit night
the air so soft and still
the promise of tomorrow
on the lips of yesterday
what did i do to deserve you, my love
how did something so amazing
come into my life
your sweet and gentle nature
the perfection of your eyes
a reflection of what used to be in my heart
you are the gift i never knew
my precious child

******************************************

The presence of your captivating spirit
Overwhelming in simplicity
Leaves so much to be discovered
As I sit here awestruck
Silent and pondering

Your joyous appreciation
For the little things in life
The sparkle in your eyes
And quirk of your lips
Take my breath away

The beauty of spontaneity
As I watch you light up the room
With your simple whole of self

Your lips can spin a tale of magic
Within a word of truth
Golden honey falls from your mouth
A taste unlike any other

Your eyes relay a tale of wonder
Providing but a fleeting glimpse
Of what lies beneath

Your heart, soul and true self
Holds many rooms within
Each locked with a key you own
Held beneath your seductive tongue

You are an enigma
A beautiful masterpiece of complexities
Perfection in form, genuine essence
Utterly inspiring in all that you are

No words can bring justice to the
Light you radiate
From the very depths of your being

Then and Now

crazy, outspoken
sweet and proud
bitchy, selfish
lazy and rowdy
funny, happy
obnoxious and rude
all these and more
but did you know me then?

sobs and screams
lay in bed at night
too young to understand
voices raised, slamming doors
did you know me then?

all alone
no one cares
teenage years
a razorblade, red
the pain still there
did you know me then?

black eyes, bruises
silent and scared
broken bones, promises lost in worthless tears
trust, self respect, dignity gone
marriage, a falsehood
as he touched me again
did you know me then?

single gunshot to the head
life as you know it
ripped apart
my brother, protector
light and joy
murder, why
did you know me then?

lonely and weak
tired, alone
hungry and cold
tuck my kids into bed
did you know me then?

memories, voices
ringing in my head
hold them down for one more day
laughing, smiling
singing and glad
joyful, tearful
angry and afraid
you know me now
all these and more

Gone

Dedicated to those I've loved and lost.
May your soul shine the brightest among the stars in the sky.

*********************************************************************************
love and life
what i see in your eyes
shining so bright
from this photograph i hold
the ring of your laughter
so sweet and pure
the touch of your hand
your grace and light
live on in the minds
of your family and friends
in the love you showed
when you were still here...

~SLJ~sister of my heart

My sister and friend Sonja was murdered almost a year ago. The victim of domestic violence after living through hell here on earth. She struggled with adversity all her life, being a black woman, strong and proud in small-town USA. A recovering addict, a beautiful mother, a sister, a daughter, a strength I've never known. I was honored to be her friend, determined to stand up for her from day one on an elementary playground, baring my fists to those who could not see past her color. She was and is an inspiration. I was there when she came home, shaken and weak from her stint in rehab. I held her daughter, fresh and bloody from her womb as I witnessed the miracle of birth first-hand by her bedside. Time and memories separate us still, but always, you remain in me.

*********************************************************************************

if only for a moment i could see your face again
to touch your skin
hear your voice
wrap you in my arms once more
if only for a moment you were here with me
to love me
and guide me
through the hell that's left behind
if only for a moment i did not know this loss
the ache
and senseless pain
that never seems to end
if only for a moment we could turn back time
and see your smile
hear you laugh
to know you once again
if only for a moment dreams become real
you could join me
here to spend
forever in this moment

*********************************************************************************

how many times can one heart break
before the stitches will not hold
why do tears fall so silently
when rage is screaming in my head
love, faith, protection, truth
laughter, tears, happiness, joy
gone in an instant
a trigger pulled
the world fades to gray
a candle burned out...
you live on inside of me
what i once had
for a brief and shining time
i feel you smile
from heaven above
i miss you most
on days like today

~GWB 9/21/73-9/14/01
~gone too soon, never forgotten

My brother, my hero, my knight in shining armor. You taught me how to laugh and cry, to fight bloody and bruised to the very end. I watched your heart break time and time again, your struggle to do right and be free finally from the demons in your past. Happiness was held within your grasp for such a short period of time. That fateful night remains the worst in my life, but I feel you smiling down from heaven and I see your love shine through my the eyes of my children.

Therapy

I've always found writing to be a fantastic release. Over the years I've amassed quite the collection of poetry, ramblings and so forth. I'll try and put them together so I don't end up with 165 blog posts consisting of 75-200 words each =)

All of my writing is straight and to the point. Some of it may be hard to read, but it's always honest and true at the time it was written.

Some of my pieces have special meaning and were written for someone(s) in particular. As this is none of your business, I won't be pointing to who/whom they pertain to, if it's you, you probably already know it <3

As always, thank you for reading and appreciating my words, to some it's art and others nonsense. But to me, as always, they are me, my heart and soul bared to you. Please handle with care.

Meanderings

Lately I have been struggling to come to terms with many things in my life. Not so much from my own perception, but through the eyes of loved ones. My family has always been supportive and I have slowly gathered an amazing crop of fabulous friends. At the end of the day, there is always room for improvement, and this is something that will never cease. However, the perception of others never mattered much to me, even those I love and adore. I stand by my decisions and hope they understand. I am many things to many people and through this path of self-discovery, I've learned that the essence, the very core of my being, is hope. Without this, nothing else matters.

I am a mother, a daughter, sister, friend. Co-worker, mentor, therapist and patient. I am a hand to hold when you are scared, and a crying mess who simply needs a shoulder. An intelligent woman, a lover, an enemy. To one I am an angel and another the devil. There are many sides and facets to me, most of which I don't advertise, not out of fear, rejection has lost its sting. Simply put: I don't believe most people are capable of handling me..all of me, at once. But for those precious few who have had a glimpse inside, witness to the convoluted twists and turns.

I hate to fall back on cliches and excuses, but I truly do believe there have been several events in my life that have shaped and defined me ~A part-time father, manipulative and cruel. I have seen the light and realized that some things cannot be changed. Yet he is one who still has the ability to make me feel insecure in an otherwise untouchable shell. ~An abusive relationship, cruel and unkind. Physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. Hatred blooms as a tiny seed in my gut, but this too has only served to make me stronger. My children are my light, my love, and every day I live in constant fear that the choices I make will have a negative impact on them. I can only pray to God that my instincts and heart have led me in the right direction to guide them on the path of happiness. ~Murder. Have you ever been touched by it? I have, twice. My big brother, my hero, protector and heart. My friend, the sister of my childhood. The emptiness remains and probably always will and again, the hatred, it's hard to let go.

Through it all a constant has remained...hope. Hope that someday, it will all make sense. The heartache, the overwhelming joy and all that lies in between.

In the meantime I wander, an endless journey, down the convoluted path of random.

You Don't Know Me

You don’t know me. Who knows themselves, really? And who can say they know another person, completely, honestly 100%? I know myself fairly well, I’ve had many, many experiences and trials, heartaches and joys. Through all of these I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve been able to remove myself and observe my own reactions through the eyes of others. Oftentimes I did not like what I saw, and I strive to change those things, whether I was successful or not, is an ever-changing opinion.

There are certain things about myself that I refuse to change, even for the sake of others’ comfort and wishes. These things are what makes me who I am, and why I refuse to become what I am not.

I am not perfect, but I don’t care.. Everyone wants to be accepted, loved, understood. I know I cannot be understood, I have yet to meet someone who got it…all of it. I hate my skin, it’s pale. All my life I wished I could just tan, just a little bit. I’m not happy with my body, but hey, I have kids, it’s the price you pay. I love my feet, they’re pretty. I have a great smile, so I’ve been told. My eyes are cool, they change colors with my emotions, I’m like a walking mood ring. I’m always cold, can never get warm. My hands and nails are usually horrendous because I don’t take the time for them, its sporadic.

I usually don’t get hung up on my looks so much, I’m likely to be hangin' out in ripped jeans and a tank top, messy ponytail and no makeup. That’s just me, comfortable. I’ll leave the house in what I have on, no need to change, don’t really care. I like it, I find humor in it, because I know that when I DO make the effort, get all dressed up, makeup on, I can go out with the same people who’ve seen me bummed down and they say “wow”. Yeah, that’s a good feeling.

I cry.. I cry over stupid things and big things. I cry when I am upset, sad, confused, lonely, I also cry when I am mad. Not just ticked off, pissy, but when I’m so mad, ready to punch something, blood racing, heart pounding mad, I cry. If I cry in front of you, I might need a hug, or you should run away, depends on why I’m crying.

I fight dirty… If we are not in agreement, I don’t care. I am always looking at the situation, trying to be just and fair, but if I’m right, or at least I honestly believe I am, then all bets are off. I yell and punch things, throw things too. I can pitch quite a temper tantrum, vent and rage. If I’m venting and raging, just shut up and ride it out, don’t ask me to calm down, don’t try and reason with me, I just want to be mad for a while. I will never hit you unless you deserve it. I don’t want you to fix it, I just need to get it out.

Sometimes, when I’m too angry, I will walk away, end a conversation. This is good, for you. If I get too mad, I fight dirty. I will say things, hurtful things, things that may not be genuine, but I will say them to hurt you, because you are hurting me. Don’t ask me to stay and “talk it out” let me go and calm down a bit. I’ll come back and we can probably finish. But don’t press me if I need to walk away, you will regret it.

I am a physical person.. I touch, I hug, I kiss, I hold hands, a LOT. I believe in openly expressing my love and joy and depth of emotions, I believe in being myself, no matter what. I touch, a shoulder an arm, back, hand, etc. I hug people often. I’ve learned the hard way, there might not be a next time. I don’t believe in holding back out of embarrassment or haste. I won’t let a day go by without touching you in some way. Often people judge me, I’m “flirting” or “more than just friendly” well too bad, it goes against everything in me to not do this, therefore I don’t care what you think.

My life fell apart… The worst day of my life I woke up to the news that my brother was dead. Murdered. Hatred grows when you go through something like that. I’ve been honest most of my life, but that was my turning point, it’s where the hard chip on my shoulder developed a sharp edge, my tongue sharpened to its finest point, and my emotions swung into overdrive. When I hate, I do with entirety and I love whole heartedly, absolute. It changes someone, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. But it cannot be undone, it is what it is.

If I call you friend… I hate people. I don’t dislike them, I truly hate people in general. Human beings are selfish and rude, ignorant, ugly, hateful people. Society as a whole is a cosmic joke. Humanity is all but non-existent. Morality, common sense, honesty, hard to find. If I call you a friend, I truly do mean it. Friends are the only reason to wake up and go on, an exception to the hatred I harbor. A friend is someone I truly care about. I want to know you, learn your thoughts, fears, joys, experiences. I hope you will call me when you have a bad day, ask me for my advice. I want you to tell me when you fall in love, get pregnant, lose a relative, stub your toe, find a great new restaurant to eat at, hate your new haircut.

I have friends and I have people I know-mere acquaintances. Acquaintances know I’m nice, and smile a lot, and laugh out loud.

Friends know I’m a bitchy loudmouth, love to dance, usually have something funny to say, will probably smack you on your ass at least once, and I don’t give a shit what other people think about me. They know what I drink at the bar, they know I have kids and a husband and they know that I’m complicated, they don’t know everything, but they know that I’m honest and true.

I won’t lie to you, I won’t tell you things I wouldn’t repeat in front of other people, but I might tell you things that make you uncomfortable. That is because I consider you friend and therefore I trust you to know what to do when I make you that way. If you are my friend it is because I saw something inside of you, whether it was some little quirk or expression, a phrase you used, something you did, or said. Something that shouted to me “Hey, that guy is pretty cool” or “Hmm..I think that girl rocks!” Yeah, I have friends, guys and a few girls. I don’t like girls/women/females as a rule. Females are stupid, gossipy, drama magnets, rude, selfish, basically the epitome of that cosmic joke *see above. However, I have been blessed to know some pretty awesome chicas, girls who I call friends. Again, exceptions to everything above.

That’s just me. Take it or leave it.