Reaching

It all seems surreal. Yesterday I woke up with a golden treasure and now, I'm left with a hollow ache. Exhausted and confused and broken. They say there are so many ways to handle this loss. Grief, anger, rest, talking....but where do you even begin?

Don't ask me why we didn't tell you right away. For almost 12 weeks, it was our secret. Our everyday joy that was growing so big it wanted to explode and shout to the world. My husband and I were both so excited. Dreaming big for this little miracle. Another tiny life to hold and nurture. A piece of us, our future, to make another place in our overflowing basket of family and love. Do not tell me we can try again. Do NOT diminish the importance of this short, little life. She never got to breathe, his eyes never will open earthside. But he or she lived. And was loved. More deeply than you could possibly imagine. 

Do not tell me you know how we feel. Loss happens, to so many. But we all carry it differently. And while I will forever be a card carrying member of this terrible club, we all know the truth. That it hurts more deeply than one can ever imagine. Instead, please empathize because you've been there. It helps to hear we are not alone. That you too, have been on this side of heartbreak. 

Don't tell us we have other children here who need us. Trust me, we are more than aware how very much they need our love and attention, more so than you. And they also need to be acknowledged for they lost a sibling, one they never got to know. 

Don't tell us we should be happy with the healthy family we already have, or that we should try again soon. Please do not make assumptions or cast your opinion on the size or future plans of our family. 

Just give me a hug. Tell me you're here for whatever we need. Let us grieve and heal.

Entropy

I recently had an enlightening conversation that started the wheels turning. It has been a long time coming, but I think I have finally been able to formulate a coherent thought process to explain the trigger this particular scenario seemed to finally pull. You know, by now, (if you know me at all) that I rarely hold back. I'm honest. I am not intentionally cruel, but I won't blow smoke up your rear and call it butterflies either darlin'.

Without revealing too many details, here's a glimpse into the scene: copious amounts of alcohol, piled on top of a series of unfortunate events, added on to quite a few years of frustration from various occurrences, all seemed to spiral into a single moment of clarity; culminating in a horizontal position in the middle of a lonely apartment. Zero motivation to move, or even care.

Definition of ENTROPY

1:  a measure of the unavailable energy in a closed thermodynamic system that is also usually considered to be a measure of the system's disorder, that is a property of the system's state, and that varies directly with any reversible change in heat in the system and inversely with the temperature of the system; broadly :  the degree of disorder or uncertainty in a system

2 a :  the degradation of the matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity

 In layman's terms... "I have no f*cks to give"

This in itself was not a surprising revelation, knowing this individual as I do. However, in order to fully examine that feeling you have to put yourself into a position where even the will to actually EXIST no longer is there. It's a sad outlook to have. We only get one ride on this merry-go-round, and when it's gone, it's gone.

When you reach a point where everything is a meaningless repetitive drone of disappointment and everyone a target for ill-disguised hostility, you can almost empathize with the situation.

Here's the deal: life happens.

You are no more entitled to an easier life than the guy next to you. If you do good things, you are not going to be guaranteed a lovely return. If you screw people over, lie, cheat, steal, kill, you are not always visited by the karma train. That's just the way it goes. No one is exempt from death and gravity. Other than those 2 (unless you happen to be orbiting outside earth's gravitational pull), it's all a crap-shoot.

We all get shit we are dealt. Often it turns out great in the end. Find someone to spend your time with, build a life together, chase some dreams, reach a few goals.  Other times it just plain sucks. But the one thing to remember, even when life has you at the end of your rope (or, stagnant on the floor) at the end of the day, you have a choice.

If you get kicked down 9 times and refuse to get up a tenth. I understand. I feel bad for you. But don't ask everyone else to pat you on the head and commiserate. If you are not where you want to be, do something. 

Nothing can get better by refusing to change. Situations cannot be bettered without significant attempt to improve your own contribution. If you are unhappy with the results, then stop doing the same predictable actions that led you to them. Granted, very few of us are in the position to be able to just find a new job, build a dream home, go on that fantasy vacation.

But at the very least, GET UP OFF THE FLOOR! 

Take a step.

Hell, slide a finger across the carpet.

Don't just lay there and reflect on the awful state of your existence.

Get. Up.