You Don't Know Me

You don’t know me. Who knows themselves, really? And who can say they know another person, completely, honestly 100%? I know myself fairly well, I’ve had many, many experiences and trials, heartaches and joys. Through all of these I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve been able to remove myself and observe my own reactions through the eyes of others. Oftentimes I did not like what I saw, and I strive to change those things, whether I was successful or not, is an ever-changing opinion.

There are certain things about myself that I refuse to change, even for the sake of others’ comfort and wishes. These things are what makes me who I am, and why I refuse to become what I am not.

I am not perfect, but I don’t care.. Everyone wants to be accepted, loved, understood. I know I cannot be understood, I have yet to meet someone who got it…all of it. I hate my skin, it’s pale. All my life I wished I could just tan, just a little bit. I’m not happy with my body, but hey, I have kids, it’s the price you pay. I love my feet, they’re pretty. I have a great smile, so I’ve been told. My eyes are cool, they change colors with my emotions, I’m like a walking mood ring. I’m always cold, can never get warm. My hands and nails are usually horrendous because I don’t take the time for them, its sporadic.

I usually don’t get hung up on my looks so much, I’m likely to be hangin' out in ripped jeans and a tank top, messy ponytail and no makeup. That’s just me, comfortable. I’ll leave the house in what I have on, no need to change, don’t really care. I like it, I find humor in it, because I know that when I DO make the effort, get all dressed up, makeup on, I can go out with the same people who’ve seen me bummed down and they say “wow”. Yeah, that’s a good feeling.

I cry.. I cry over stupid things and big things. I cry when I am upset, sad, confused, lonely, I also cry when I am mad. Not just ticked off, pissy, but when I’m so mad, ready to punch something, blood racing, heart pounding mad, I cry. If I cry in front of you, I might need a hug, or you should run away, depends on why I’m crying.

I fight dirty… If we are not in agreement, I don’t care. I am always looking at the situation, trying to be just and fair, but if I’m right, or at least I honestly believe I am, then all bets are off. I yell and punch things, throw things too. I can pitch quite a temper tantrum, vent and rage. If I’m venting and raging, just shut up and ride it out, don’t ask me to calm down, don’t try and reason with me, I just want to be mad for a while. I will never hit you unless you deserve it. I don’t want you to fix it, I just need to get it out.

Sometimes, when I’m too angry, I will walk away, end a conversation. This is good, for you. If I get too mad, I fight dirty. I will say things, hurtful things, things that may not be genuine, but I will say them to hurt you, because you are hurting me. Don’t ask me to stay and “talk it out” let me go and calm down a bit. I’ll come back and we can probably finish. But don’t press me if I need to walk away, you will regret it.

I am a physical person.. I touch, I hug, I kiss, I hold hands, a LOT. I believe in openly expressing my love and joy and depth of emotions, I believe in being myself, no matter what. I touch, a shoulder an arm, back, hand, etc. I hug people often. I’ve learned the hard way, there might not be a next time. I don’t believe in holding back out of embarrassment or haste. I won’t let a day go by without touching you in some way. Often people judge me, I’m “flirting” or “more than just friendly” well too bad, it goes against everything in me to not do this, therefore I don’t care what you think.

My life fell apart… The worst day of my life I woke up to the news that my brother was dead. Murdered. Hatred grows when you go through something like that. I’ve been honest most of my life, but that was my turning point, it’s where the hard chip on my shoulder developed a sharp edge, my tongue sharpened to its finest point, and my emotions swung into overdrive. When I hate, I do with entirety and I love whole heartedly, absolute. It changes someone, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. But it cannot be undone, it is what it is.

If I call you friend… I hate people. I don’t dislike them, I truly hate people in general. Human beings are selfish and rude, ignorant, ugly, hateful people. Society as a whole is a cosmic joke. Humanity is all but non-existent. Morality, common sense, honesty, hard to find. If I call you a friend, I truly do mean it. Friends are the only reason to wake up and go on, an exception to the hatred I harbor. A friend is someone I truly care about. I want to know you, learn your thoughts, fears, joys, experiences. I hope you will call me when you have a bad day, ask me for my advice. I want you to tell me when you fall in love, get pregnant, lose a relative, stub your toe, find a great new restaurant to eat at, hate your new haircut.

I have friends and I have people I know-mere acquaintances. Acquaintances know I’m nice, and smile a lot, and laugh out loud.

Friends know I’m a bitchy loudmouth, love to dance, usually have something funny to say, will probably smack you on your ass at least once, and I don’t give a shit what other people think about me. They know what I drink at the bar, they know I have kids and a husband and they know that I’m complicated, they don’t know everything, but they know that I’m honest and true.

I won’t lie to you, I won’t tell you things I wouldn’t repeat in front of other people, but I might tell you things that make you uncomfortable. That is because I consider you friend and therefore I trust you to know what to do when I make you that way. If you are my friend it is because I saw something inside of you, whether it was some little quirk or expression, a phrase you used, something you did, or said. Something that shouted to me “Hey, that guy is pretty cool” or “Hmm..I think that girl rocks!” Yeah, I have friends, guys and a few girls. I don’t like girls/women/females as a rule. Females are stupid, gossipy, drama magnets, rude, selfish, basically the epitome of that cosmic joke *see above. However, I have been blessed to know some pretty awesome chicas, girls who I call friends. Again, exceptions to everything above.

That’s just me. Take it or leave it.