Meanderings

Lately I have been struggling to come to terms with many things in my life. Not so much from my own perception, but through the eyes of loved ones. My family has always been supportive and I have slowly gathered an amazing crop of fabulous friends. At the end of the day, there is always room for improvement, and this is something that will never cease. However, the perception of others never mattered much to me, even those I love and adore. I stand by my decisions and hope they understand. I am many things to many people and through this path of self-discovery, I've learned that the essence, the very core of my being, is hope. Without this, nothing else matters.

I am a mother, a daughter, sister, friend. Co-worker, mentor, therapist and patient. I am a hand to hold when you are scared, and a crying mess who simply needs a shoulder. An intelligent woman, a lover, an enemy. To one I am an angel and another the devil. There are many sides and facets to me, most of which I don't advertise, not out of fear, rejection has lost its sting. Simply put: I don't believe most people are capable of handling me..all of me, at once. But for those precious few who have had a glimpse inside, witness to the convoluted twists and turns.

I hate to fall back on cliches and excuses, but I truly do believe there have been several events in my life that have shaped and defined me ~A part-time father, manipulative and cruel. I have seen the light and realized that some things cannot be changed. Yet he is one who still has the ability to make me feel insecure in an otherwise untouchable shell. ~An abusive relationship, cruel and unkind. Physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. Hatred blooms as a tiny seed in my gut, but this too has only served to make me stronger. My children are my light, my love, and every day I live in constant fear that the choices I make will have a negative impact on them. I can only pray to God that my instincts and heart have led me in the right direction to guide them on the path of happiness. ~Murder. Have you ever been touched by it? I have, twice. My big brother, my hero, protector and heart. My friend, the sister of my childhood. The emptiness remains and probably always will and again, the hatred, it's hard to let go.

Through it all a constant has remained...hope. Hope that someday, it will all make sense. The heartache, the overwhelming joy and all that lies in between.

In the meantime I wander, an endless journey, down the convoluted path of random.