Sorrows of September

9 years....that's how long it's been since you breathed your last breath

It seems like such a long time to go without someone, but in my heart, my mind, especially in my soul it still feels like yesterday.

I can still smell you on the shirt you left behind..through all the times I've washed it and worn it, your scent still lies deep within the cloth...that shirt has dried thousands of tears, cradled the heartbeats of hundreds of sleepless nights, it's the last tangible link I have to you and yet, there you still remain.

So much has happened since you were taken away from us all; graduations, deaths, celebrations and sorrows, marriages, birthdays and family...you have so many nieces and nephews, babies who have now grown into teenagers, little girls you left behind have become beautiful young women seemingly overnight as time marches on...I've watched our mother break and fall, then slowly rise to face tomorrow once more, your sisters, brothers, we all struggled to keep our heads above the water, when all we really wanted to do is let go and drown in the sufferings of our hearts...we're still treading the deep ocean of loss, maybe some day we will reach the shore. I watched my 27th birthday approach, with fear and trepidation. Knowing it would arrive...saw Mom worry, fret and wonder, would she lose another child at the same age...and felt guilt on my 28th as I passed the milestone of your years, now older than you were ever allowed to grow. Through the loss and rebuilding of our lives, new relationships were formed, among the sisters you used to tease and the brothers you got in trouble with...what was once two families separated through divorce, is now a conglomeration of friends and love. We got together last month with our multitude of kids...and when the little ones asked "how are we related to them", we just smiled and laughed, the only explanation is love. The love we shared for you became a common ground and a family bond.

It is so hard to convey to the children the light you shone into all of our lives. We flip through countless pictures and tell thousands of stories recounting Uncle Garry's escapades and laugh so hard tears roll down our faces, but I can see the emptiness in their perceptions of you, because to them, you're merely a figment of our collective memories, but more, oh my brother, so much more you are to me, to all of us who still remain

Most days I wake up and the hurt has eased a bit, it never goes away, I hope it never does. I no longer double over in physical pain when I hear your name. I can look at your pictures without dissolving into wracking sobs. I can laugh at myself, as I imagine your voice, teasing as always when I do something dumb. The anger and rage are still inside, I remember watching the man who took your life into his own hands and destroyed it, sitting at the table in the courtroom, looking so pitiful and regretful. I still cannot find it in my heart to forgive him, but the murderous rage and burning desire for revenge has finally subsided into a dull ache, blistered and calloused over deep inside, where I keep it in check. I no longer let it consume me.

Garry, you're my big brother, my friend my hero and more. You taught me so much in the short life you lived. I only have to look for you in the grin of our little brother Brian, I watch for you in the way my son walks and I can see the sparkle of your eyes from my youngest daughter, one of the many you never knew. The world mourns the many losses of September 11th during this month, but for your family and friends, our burden is almost too much to carry remembering your death and the acknowledgment of your birthday.....wake me up when September ends...

Garry Wayne Brooks, Jr.
Given to us September 21, 1973
Taken away September 14, 2001

not a single moment of your life was in vain, through it all you were loved with every ounce of my being