I hate being a "victim"

The lowlife who murdered my brother is up for parole. How lovely for him. Beneath the simmering rage, I had to dive deep in order to form coherent thoughts and write a letter. As a "victim" we get to share with the parole board our thoughts. It sucks. Waking up today sucked. And writing this letter was therapeutic, in a way. But it also makes the hurt and anger resurface, as usual. Victim. That word makes my blood boil. No one chooses to be a victim, but we are thrust into the role. How we respond is what defines us I believe. I hate being a victim, I embrace the challenge. So here's a big "F--YOU".

***

Here it is 13 years later. I am writing in hopes of conveying a small glimpse into our lives and how deeply we have all been affected by the senseless actions of one man. My brother, Garry Brooks, Jr., was an amazing guy. He was compassionate, quick to laugh, had a great sense of humor, and above all else, was loved. He is still missed today. His murder tore a hole in my very existence. Anyone who has never suffered a sudden and severe loss like that cannot easily understand.

As I sit here today and reflect on this horrific tragedy, I can only ache. Garry was killed when he was 27 years old. 27. Let that sink in for a moment. It’s the age of new awakenings, where you’re finally starting to feel like an adult. When you might start looking forward to the future and dreaming big. Really big. Because you get to the point where you finally have your stuff together and you’re ready to JUMP into it, both feet first. I’m 35 now. As the little sister, I was never supposed to experience these things first. My big brother, my HERO, was the one who always led the way. He blazed a path, often showing me how NOT to do things, and laughing right along with my mother, when I did them his way anyway. Now I’m the one stepping out first. It’s lonely out here.  And it is so very, very hard.

Since his death, our family has gone through so many tragedies and countless joys. We have welcomed new babies, celebrated graduations, cried tears over illnesses and sobbed, heart-broken, at the end of lives. But he is no longer here to stand with us. He was stolen away, instantly, because of a selfish, childlike man.

We are raising an entire generation of children Garry will never meet. It’s so hard to convey the enormity of his influence on our lives when these innocent people never knew him. It’s truly horrendous to explain to them the reasons he is no longer here. It is impossible to answer their questions of why.

I have been blessed with two more children. A niece and nephew Garry never got to meet. I had to hold it together when my very own father passed away. And I watch, day after day, dreading the inevitable. Some day in the very distant future, I will have to say goodbye to our mother. And on that day, I truly will feel alone.  I am the one who cried tears of joy, when his stepdaughter announced her pregnancy. The little girl he left behind is becoming a mother this year. And he will never know the beauty of becoming a grandfather. The thing about siblings is, you go through life together. Both the good and the bad. Only a sibling will know every thought inside your own head when bad things happen. Without Garry, I alone, have been left to carry on. Be strong for mom and set the example for our little brother. He is sorely missed. 

I’ve had to watch my mother break, time and time again, every year when September rolls around. We are hit 3 times harder this month. We watch our nation mourn on 9/11. Acknowledge Garry’s loss on 9/14. And celebrate another birthday he never was allowed to experience on 9/21. The calendar is our biggest enemy. I’ve buried my own pain so I can give my family the mother and wife they deserve. It is so very difficult. And yet, we do it. Every single year. Without fail. That’s what adults do. Responsible people struggle through adversity. They stand tall in difficult times. We do not lash out at others when life gets hard. Unlike Jack Groce, we bear our burdens responsibly, maturely, and legally. Where he chose to pick up a weapon, unprovoked, and end another life. 

Those actions ripped an entire existence in two. His time served in prison has no doubt, changed him. However, unlike functioning adults in everyday society, he still has shown no remorse. His words in the courtroom, 13 years ago were “I’m sorry, he just made me so mad”. Anger is a part of life. If this man chose to end another life because he was throwing a temper tantrum, I cannot imagine allowing him to once again walk the streets as a free man. The sheer irresponsibility and threat to society it would pose, is simply unimaginable. Please, keep this monster away from the rest of the world. He causes irreparable damage with no reason or thought to those left behind.