I hate being a "victim"

The lowlife who murdered my brother is up for parole. How lovely for him. Beneath the simmering rage, I had to dive deep in order to form coherent thoughts and write a letter. As a "victim" we get to share with the parole board our thoughts. It sucks. Waking up today sucked. And writing this letter was therapeutic, in a way. But it also makes the hurt and anger resurface, as usual. Victim. That word makes my blood boil. No one chooses to be a victim, but we are thrust into the role. How we respond is what defines us I believe. I hate being a victim, I embrace the challenge. So here's a big "F--YOU".

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Here it is 13 years later. I am writing in hopes of conveying a small glimpse into our lives and how deeply we have all been affected by the senseless actions of one man. My brother, Garry Brooks, Jr., was an amazing guy. He was compassionate, quick to laugh, had a great sense of humor, and above all else, was loved. He is still missed today. His murder tore a hole in my very existence. Anyone who has never suffered a sudden and severe loss like that cannot easily understand.

As I sit here today and reflect on this horrific tragedy, I can only ache. Garry was killed when he was 27 years old. 27. Let that sink in for a moment. It’s the age of new awakenings, where you’re finally starting to feel like an adult. When you might start looking forward to the future and dreaming big. Really big. Because you get to the point where you finally have your stuff together and you’re ready to JUMP into it, both feet first. I’m 35 now. As the little sister, I was never supposed to experience these things first. My big brother, my HERO, was the one who always led the way. He blazed a path, often showing me how NOT to do things, and laughing right along with my mother, when I did them his way anyway. Now I’m the one stepping out first. It’s lonely out here.  And it is so very, very hard.

Since his death, our family has gone through so many tragedies and countless joys. We have welcomed new babies, celebrated graduations, cried tears over illnesses and sobbed, heart-broken, at the end of lives. But he is no longer here to stand with us. He was stolen away, instantly, because of a selfish, childlike man.

We are raising an entire generation of children Garry will never meet. It’s so hard to convey the enormity of his influence on our lives when these innocent people never knew him. It’s truly horrendous to explain to them the reasons he is no longer here. It is impossible to answer their questions of why.

I have been blessed with two more children. A niece and nephew Garry never got to meet. I had to hold it together when my very own father passed away. And I watch, day after day, dreading the inevitable. Some day in the very distant future, I will have to say goodbye to our mother. And on that day, I truly will feel alone.  I am the one who cried tears of joy, when his stepdaughter announced her pregnancy. The little girl he left behind is becoming a mother this year. And he will never know the beauty of becoming a grandfather. The thing about siblings is, you go through life together. Both the good and the bad. Only a sibling will know every thought inside your own head when bad things happen. Without Garry, I alone, have been left to carry on. Be strong for mom and set the example for our little brother. He is sorely missed. 

I’ve had to watch my mother break, time and time again, every year when September rolls around. We are hit 3 times harder this month. We watch our nation mourn on 9/11. Acknowledge Garry’s loss on 9/14. And celebrate another birthday he never was allowed to experience on 9/21. The calendar is our biggest enemy. I’ve buried my own pain so I can give my family the mother and wife they deserve. It is so very difficult. And yet, we do it. Every single year. Without fail. That’s what adults do. Responsible people struggle through adversity. They stand tall in difficult times. We do not lash out at others when life gets hard. Unlike Jack Groce, we bear our burdens responsibly, maturely, and legally. Where he chose to pick up a weapon, unprovoked, and end another life. 

Those actions ripped an entire existence in two. His time served in prison has no doubt, changed him. However, unlike functioning adults in everyday society, he still has shown no remorse. His words in the courtroom, 13 years ago were “I’m sorry, he just made me so mad”. Anger is a part of life. If this man chose to end another life because he was throwing a temper tantrum, I cannot imagine allowing him to once again walk the streets as a free man. The sheer irresponsibility and threat to society it would pose, is simply unimaginable. Please, keep this monster away from the rest of the world. He causes irreparable damage with no reason or thought to those left behind.

There are no words

Those of you who know me in real life know I've got a pretty quick temper, but I've learned how to keep it in check....for the most part. Lately though, someone, somewhere I believe, has decided to really test the limits of my ability. And I am failing miserably.

Background: My father-in-law is a quiet man. He's funny when he speaks out, can be a bit stubborn at times, but overall, he is a good person. There has always been some blatant bias against him from his step-mother, sadly. From what I've gathered in the 14 years I've been around, she is one of those people who sees children as a burden, and the children of another woman are huge inconveniences, less lovable and certainly not on equal par with those of her direct bloodline. When marrying a man with children from a previous relationship, she didn't get the memo on couth and decorum. It makes me sad to know this man, my wonderful husband's father, was raised by someone so ugly on the inside.

Fast forward to present day: there was a family event, recently. Certain family members weren't invited, due to a long-standing issue between the hosts of the event and these family members. There have been many insults, childish outbursts and more than one drunken rant at various functions in the past. The exclusion was more than justified. The step mother in this scenario, however, took a huge offense to one of "Her" children being excluded, even knowing the reasons, she was self-righteous in spewing some choice opinions to the other children in the family; my in-laws included. Well, the event took place, despite the hard feelings. They came, did not socialize, and left without much of any interaction with the rest of the family. I think it was more for show, than anything.

Since then, there has been a huge blow-out, egged on mostly by the Self-Righteous Step Mother and her Sad Attention Seeking Favored Child. Let's keep in mind here, these two are not children, the Step Mother is beyond retirement age and Sad Child is well into what can be technically considered "mature adulthood".  It has come to the point where Other Child who is still in Mother's Favor was dispatched to drive over 1,100 miles to deliver photos, wedding announcements, thank you cards and various other memorabilia; which had been sent over the years to Step Mother and Father by my in-laws. There was also a torn photograph. What used to be a 4 generation photo, taken of my husband as an infant. The pieces she returned to my father-in-law were just of him and my husband. His father and grandfather had been torn out of the photo, along with a nasty hand written note from Step Mother.

My own wedding announcement was returned, along with a lifetime of memories captured in photographs. In essence: my in-laws and their respective children, grandchildren, spouses, etc.,  have been "removed" from their Father and Step-Mother's life.

Life is so short, and fleeting. You make the best of it, take the good with the bad and at the end of the day, you still smile. For you have breath in your lungs and a heartbeat in your chest. Yet, today, here in my household, it is really hard. Watching a man, fully grown with 3 children and a crew of grandchildren, sit and cry. Because today, he is not a full grown man. He is the child who was never given a chance.

Somebody better help me out, prayers of intervention would be much appreciated, because my temper and my tongue are certainly NOT in check today....scenarios of retaliation are front and center in my mind.

The Wisdom of a Child

Through all the years I've been a mommy, it never fails to catch me off-guard. Some of my favorite quotes & questions of all time...

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K-age 7: "Mom, did God make the stars?" looking up at the sky one night...
Me: "Yes, He did"
K: "Huh...he did a pretty good job."

Well, I'll be sure to let him know you approve!

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Now this conversation took place one night, a few hours after an unexpected question she asked in the car. She had a vague idea about how the "birds and bees" worked, nothing explicit, but we went over general info, etc...


B-age 11:"So, um, did you and my dad have s**x?"
Me: "Well, YEAH, I have kids..."
B: absolutely horrified "You have to have S**X to have KIDS?!?!?"
Me: "um, yes, it's kinda part of the process" trying not to laugh

a few hours later...
B: "So, if I want like 3 or 4 kids, I can just have s**x just once and get it over with, right?"
Me: "No, that's not the way it works..."
B: Again, absolute horror "EWWwww, you mean I have to do it more than ONCE??"

at this point I was choking, holding back the laughter so it was continued another day...

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Playing outside one day, J&B managed to get her bike, flip it upside down on the seat and were spinning the front tire as fast as they could...

Me: "What are you doing?
J: " The tire's flat.."
Me: "Yeah, I see that, why are you spinning it?"
B: "Because, if we spin it really fast we can put the air back in it!"

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Me:..trying on a dress
K: "Ooh, that's pretty mom....your boobs look like mangoes!"
Me: "Mangoes?!?"
K: "Yeah, they're all round.."

=) Mangoes it is

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We were at dinner with friends and my girlfriend gave my oldest a small gift. She was explaining that it was from a co-worker and went into how Japanese culture often presents small gifts or tokens upon meeting with a client. She also explained that the higher esteem/importance you as a client hold, the bigger or more lavish, the gift might be. In response to this:

K: "Well, the next time you meet with them you should wear more funny clothes so they think that you're really poor..."

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