Something More

Recently I remembered a day with my daughter last year. We were standing in the middle of Lowes, waiting for a piece of plywood to be cut. I was helping my husband do a construction job that day, so I had on old clothes, messy hair, no makeup and I hadn't showered that morning.

I was holding her in my arms when all of a sudden she did the oddest thing. She stuck her nose deep in my neck, that little crevice between muscle and collarbone, and inhaled loudly. Then she did it again, right under my jaw.

I looked at her and asked "What are you doing" laughing out loud.

She looked up at me, straight in the eyes and said "You smell good Mommy."

I asked her, "How do I smell?" puzzled now, because I had no perfume, nor had I showered remember...

She replied with a shrug, all the while, still sniffing at my neck, "I don't know, you just smell good. Like 'YOU'. You have a smell and Daddy does too."

Awestruck I stood there, staring at her. This beautiful, innocent 6 year old child had brought my sense of reality to a screeching halt.

I've always believed in intuition, a higher calling, heightened senses and more, having experienced too many things in my life to deny them. But never, have I ever known a child to have such knowledge.

We all have a "scent" pheromones, hormones, etc. Unique to us all, babies learn this scent from birth, especially nursing infants, they can tell when their mother enters a room even without seeing her.

However, my daughter, 6 years LATER still recognized and "knew" this scent...
This is just one of several instances over the span of her lifetime that has made me take a step back and marvel at the unique wonder, awe-inspiring beauty that is a child.

Beauty

as i sit watching, wondering, waiting
until the day i see you again
and think about what could have been
what might have come to light

the path we walk is twisted
broken as i stumble
reaching, searching
waiting

holding on
to something true
not knowing yet if it is you

******************************************
"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just said it would be worth it."

why does this seem so true lately?

you can go forever and not see someone

then when you least expect it

they walk back into your life for some unknown purpose

and i'm still left wondering why

i believe that everything happens for a reason

and that the reason is not always clear

there is beauty and laughter and joy again

but in the beauty, there is darkness,

in the laughter there are tears,

and in the joy there is heartache

to know what we had, what we lost

brings regret and pain

to know what we are slowly finding again

fills my heart and makes me whole

to know that you have changed

as i have changed as well

but together, we haven't changed all that much after all

i've missed you, my friend

you've always been in my heart,

and now once again you are in my life

i will be forever grateful for that

******************************************

as i sit here
watch you sleep
my mind goes back
so long ago
a moonlit night
the air so soft and still
the promise of tomorrow
on the lips of yesterday
what did i do to deserve you, my love
how did something so amazing
come into my life
your sweet and gentle nature
the perfection of your eyes
a reflection of what used to be in my heart
you are the gift i never knew
my precious child

******************************************

The presence of your captivating spirit
Overwhelming in simplicity
Leaves so much to be discovered
As I sit here awestruck
Silent and pondering

Your joyous appreciation
For the little things in life
The sparkle in your eyes
And quirk of your lips
Take my breath away

The beauty of spontaneity
As I watch you light up the room
With your simple whole of self

Your lips can spin a tale of magic
Within a word of truth
Golden honey falls from your mouth
A taste unlike any other

Your eyes relay a tale of wonder
Providing but a fleeting glimpse
Of what lies beneath

Your heart, soul and true self
Holds many rooms within
Each locked with a key you own
Held beneath your seductive tongue

You are an enigma
A beautiful masterpiece of complexities
Perfection in form, genuine essence
Utterly inspiring in all that you are

No words can bring justice to the
Light you radiate
From the very depths of your being

Then and Now

crazy, outspoken
sweet and proud
bitchy, selfish
lazy and rowdy
funny, happy
obnoxious and rude
all these and more
but did you know me then?

sobs and screams
lay in bed at night
too young to understand
voices raised, slamming doors
did you know me then?

all alone
no one cares
teenage years
a razorblade, red
the pain still there
did you know me then?

black eyes, bruises
silent and scared
broken bones, promises lost in worthless tears
trust, self respect, dignity gone
marriage, a falsehood
as he touched me again
did you know me then?

single gunshot to the head
life as you know it
ripped apart
my brother, protector
light and joy
murder, why
did you know me then?

lonely and weak
tired, alone
hungry and cold
tuck my kids into bed
did you know me then?

memories, voices
ringing in my head
hold them down for one more day
laughing, smiling
singing and glad
joyful, tearful
angry and afraid
you know me now
all these and more

Gone

Dedicated to those I've loved and lost.
May your soul shine the brightest among the stars in the sky.

*********************************************************************************
love and life
what i see in your eyes
shining so bright
from this photograph i hold
the ring of your laughter
so sweet and pure
the touch of your hand
your grace and light
live on in the minds
of your family and friends
in the love you showed
when you were still here...

~SLJ~sister of my heart

My sister and friend Sonja was murdered almost a year ago. The victim of domestic violence after living through hell here on earth. She struggled with adversity all her life, being a black woman, strong and proud in small-town USA. A recovering addict, a beautiful mother, a sister, a daughter, a strength I've never known. I was honored to be her friend, determined to stand up for her from day one on an elementary playground, baring my fists to those who could not see past her color. She was and is an inspiration. I was there when she came home, shaken and weak from her stint in rehab. I held her daughter, fresh and bloody from her womb as I witnessed the miracle of birth first-hand by her bedside. Time and memories separate us still, but always, you remain in me.

*********************************************************************************

if only for a moment i could see your face again
to touch your skin
hear your voice
wrap you in my arms once more
if only for a moment you were here with me
to love me
and guide me
through the hell that's left behind
if only for a moment i did not know this loss
the ache
and senseless pain
that never seems to end
if only for a moment we could turn back time
and see your smile
hear you laugh
to know you once again
if only for a moment dreams become real
you could join me
here to spend
forever in this moment

*********************************************************************************

how many times can one heart break
before the stitches will not hold
why do tears fall so silently
when rage is screaming in my head
love, faith, protection, truth
laughter, tears, happiness, joy
gone in an instant
a trigger pulled
the world fades to gray
a candle burned out...
you live on inside of me
what i once had
for a brief and shining time
i feel you smile
from heaven above
i miss you most
on days like today

~GWB 9/21/73-9/14/01
~gone too soon, never forgotten

My brother, my hero, my knight in shining armor. You taught me how to laugh and cry, to fight bloody and bruised to the very end. I watched your heart break time and time again, your struggle to do right and be free finally from the demons in your past. Happiness was held within your grasp for such a short period of time. That fateful night remains the worst in my life, but I feel you smiling down from heaven and I see your love shine through my the eyes of my children.

Therapy

I've always found writing to be a fantastic release. Over the years I've amassed quite the collection of poetry, ramblings and so forth. I'll try and put them together so I don't end up with 165 blog posts consisting of 75-200 words each =)

All of my writing is straight and to the point. Some of it may be hard to read, but it's always honest and true at the time it was written.

Some of my pieces have special meaning and were written for someone(s) in particular. As this is none of your business, I won't be pointing to who/whom they pertain to, if it's you, you probably already know it <3

As always, thank you for reading and appreciating my words, to some it's art and others nonsense. But to me, as always, they are me, my heart and soul bared to you. Please handle with care.

Meanderings

Lately I have been struggling to come to terms with many things in my life. Not so much from my own perception, but through the eyes of loved ones. My family has always been supportive and I have slowly gathered an amazing crop of fabulous friends. At the end of the day, there is always room for improvement, and this is something that will never cease. However, the perception of others never mattered much to me, even those I love and adore. I stand by my decisions and hope they understand. I am many things to many people and through this path of self-discovery, I've learned that the essence, the very core of my being, is hope. Without this, nothing else matters.

I am a mother, a daughter, sister, friend. Co-worker, mentor, therapist and patient. I am a hand to hold when you are scared, and a crying mess who simply needs a shoulder. An intelligent woman, a lover, an enemy. To one I am an angel and another the devil. There are many sides and facets to me, most of which I don't advertise, not out of fear, rejection has lost its sting. Simply put: I don't believe most people are capable of handling me..all of me, at once. But for those precious few who have had a glimpse inside, witness to the convoluted twists and turns.

I hate to fall back on cliches and excuses, but I truly do believe there have been several events in my life that have shaped and defined me ~A part-time father, manipulative and cruel. I have seen the light and realized that some things cannot be changed. Yet he is one who still has the ability to make me feel insecure in an otherwise untouchable shell. ~An abusive relationship, cruel and unkind. Physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. Hatred blooms as a tiny seed in my gut, but this too has only served to make me stronger. My children are my light, my love, and every day I live in constant fear that the choices I make will have a negative impact on them. I can only pray to God that my instincts and heart have led me in the right direction to guide them on the path of happiness. ~Murder. Have you ever been touched by it? I have, twice. My big brother, my hero, protector and heart. My friend, the sister of my childhood. The emptiness remains and probably always will and again, the hatred, it's hard to let go.

Through it all a constant has remained...hope. Hope that someday, it will all make sense. The heartache, the overwhelming joy and all that lies in between.

In the meantime I wander, an endless journey, down the convoluted path of random.

You Don't Know Me

You don’t know me. Who knows themselves, really? And who can say they know another person, completely, honestly 100%? I know myself fairly well, I’ve had many, many experiences and trials, heartaches and joys. Through all of these I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’ve been able to remove myself and observe my own reactions through the eyes of others. Oftentimes I did not like what I saw, and I strive to change those things, whether I was successful or not, is an ever-changing opinion.

There are certain things about myself that I refuse to change, even for the sake of others’ comfort and wishes. These things are what makes me who I am, and why I refuse to become what I am not.

I am not perfect, but I don’t care.. Everyone wants to be accepted, loved, understood. I know I cannot be understood, I have yet to meet someone who got it…all of it. I hate my skin, it’s pale. All my life I wished I could just tan, just a little bit. I’m not happy with my body, but hey, I have kids, it’s the price you pay. I love my feet, they’re pretty. I have a great smile, so I’ve been told. My eyes are cool, they change colors with my emotions, I’m like a walking mood ring. I’m always cold, can never get warm. My hands and nails are usually horrendous because I don’t take the time for them, its sporadic.

I usually don’t get hung up on my looks so much, I’m likely to be hangin' out in ripped jeans and a tank top, messy ponytail and no makeup. That’s just me, comfortable. I’ll leave the house in what I have on, no need to change, don’t really care. I like it, I find humor in it, because I know that when I DO make the effort, get all dressed up, makeup on, I can go out with the same people who’ve seen me bummed down and they say “wow”. Yeah, that’s a good feeling.

I cry.. I cry over stupid things and big things. I cry when I am upset, sad, confused, lonely, I also cry when I am mad. Not just ticked off, pissy, but when I’m so mad, ready to punch something, blood racing, heart pounding mad, I cry. If I cry in front of you, I might need a hug, or you should run away, depends on why I’m crying.

I fight dirty… If we are not in agreement, I don’t care. I am always looking at the situation, trying to be just and fair, but if I’m right, or at least I honestly believe I am, then all bets are off. I yell and punch things, throw things too. I can pitch quite a temper tantrum, vent and rage. If I’m venting and raging, just shut up and ride it out, don’t ask me to calm down, don’t try and reason with me, I just want to be mad for a while. I will never hit you unless you deserve it. I don’t want you to fix it, I just need to get it out.

Sometimes, when I’m too angry, I will walk away, end a conversation. This is good, for you. If I get too mad, I fight dirty. I will say things, hurtful things, things that may not be genuine, but I will say them to hurt you, because you are hurting me. Don’t ask me to stay and “talk it out” let me go and calm down a bit. I’ll come back and we can probably finish. But don’t press me if I need to walk away, you will regret it.

I am a physical person.. I touch, I hug, I kiss, I hold hands, a LOT. I believe in openly expressing my love and joy and depth of emotions, I believe in being myself, no matter what. I touch, a shoulder an arm, back, hand, etc. I hug people often. I’ve learned the hard way, there might not be a next time. I don’t believe in holding back out of embarrassment or haste. I won’t let a day go by without touching you in some way. Often people judge me, I’m “flirting” or “more than just friendly” well too bad, it goes against everything in me to not do this, therefore I don’t care what you think.

My life fell apart… The worst day of my life I woke up to the news that my brother was dead. Murdered. Hatred grows when you go through something like that. I’ve been honest most of my life, but that was my turning point, it’s where the hard chip on my shoulder developed a sharp edge, my tongue sharpened to its finest point, and my emotions swung into overdrive. When I hate, I do with entirety and I love whole heartedly, absolute. It changes someone, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. But it cannot be undone, it is what it is.

If I call you friend… I hate people. I don’t dislike them, I truly hate people in general. Human beings are selfish and rude, ignorant, ugly, hateful people. Society as a whole is a cosmic joke. Humanity is all but non-existent. Morality, common sense, honesty, hard to find. If I call you a friend, I truly do mean it. Friends are the only reason to wake up and go on, an exception to the hatred I harbor. A friend is someone I truly care about. I want to know you, learn your thoughts, fears, joys, experiences. I hope you will call me when you have a bad day, ask me for my advice. I want you to tell me when you fall in love, get pregnant, lose a relative, stub your toe, find a great new restaurant to eat at, hate your new haircut.

I have friends and I have people I know-mere acquaintances. Acquaintances know I’m nice, and smile a lot, and laugh out loud.

Friends know I’m a bitchy loudmouth, love to dance, usually have something funny to say, will probably smack you on your ass at least once, and I don’t give a shit what other people think about me. They know what I drink at the bar, they know I have kids and a husband and they know that I’m complicated, they don’t know everything, but they know that I’m honest and true.

I won’t lie to you, I won’t tell you things I wouldn’t repeat in front of other people, but I might tell you things that make you uncomfortable. That is because I consider you friend and therefore I trust you to know what to do when I make you that way. If you are my friend it is because I saw something inside of you, whether it was some little quirk or expression, a phrase you used, something you did, or said. Something that shouted to me “Hey, that guy is pretty cool” or “Hmm..I think that girl rocks!” Yeah, I have friends, guys and a few girls. I don’t like girls/women/females as a rule. Females are stupid, gossipy, drama magnets, rude, selfish, basically the epitome of that cosmic joke *see above. However, I have been blessed to know some pretty awesome chicas, girls who I call friends. Again, exceptions to everything above.

That’s just me. Take it or leave it.